Looking Toward the New Horizon
I spend a lot of time these days looking forward, trying to catch some glimmer of the future, hoping to ascertain the forthcoming events in my life. I don't really know why I endeavor to do this, because my viewings of my future usually put me on a path towards misery and discontent. I'm not quite sure why this is the case, but more and more I begin to feel the reasons accumulate in the back of my mind, assembling into this great picture of my own unhappiness and discontent.
There is some kind of saying to the effect that if you expect the worst you will make the worst happen. Though it is definitely possible that moving through life with a negative mindset can increase the odds of unfortunate events, it is not always the case that a negative mindset leads to misfortune. The opposite of this is true too; having a positive outlook does not necessitate good fortune, because optimism can occasionally be met with misery. That said, though a realistic look at the events that may come in my future may put me at risk of increasing the odds of their being realized, however, they do not necessarily do so. Having a positive outlook now will probably not give me happiness in the face of sadness; recent events in my life have easily shown this to be the case.
I am more alone now than I ever have been before, and with each passing day, my isolation will only grow in its potency and presence. By the very nature of my personality I alienate myself from other people, discomforting them to the point where my presence is either unrealized, ignored, or worse, dreaded. Despite my acknowledgment of this trait, I cannot necessarily change my personality. Part of me feels isolated because of my thought process, and I'm not willing to give up my thought process. At the risk of being an arrogant and pretentious ass (those who know me well know that I'm probably an arrogant and pretentious ass no matter what), I will say with unusual confidence that I am very bright.
Some days I also feel too mature, and I have no idea why. I'm not one of those people who had any reason to mature early, as there was no great tragedy in my life. I grew up without a father until I was 8, but that wouldn't make me mature early. Besides, I had enough family attention prior to that point that there is no real issue there. Nothing else even seems to be a possible cause. I'm naturally able to look at things from other peoples' point of views (well, sometimes at least), and thus take positions on things that are not going to be agreed on by certain people. I know these are all arrogant assumptions, but they were what I intuitively feel, and if my intuition can't be trusted, then I don't really know what to trust anymore.
Either way, the path that I'm choosing for myself leads to one increasingly walked alone. My isolation has already begun mentally, and next year it will begin physically. Though I will live close to my friends who are living a short ways off-campus, with the shell I already live in my time spent with them is going to drop radically. While I currently eat virtually all of my meals with friends, this will rarely be the case next year. For a variety of dynamic reasons, next year will be a challenge for me. My risk of depression will be greater than ever, and with the looming possibility of one of my best of friends never really wanting to be true friends again, I have no reason to believe there will be a respite from this mess. Looking further into the future, if I do my job and achieve even a small number of my goals, I'm going to piss a lot of people off. It's quite possible and very probable that this trend of isolation will continue indefinitely, fueled by own personality and my own goals. If I make people think, they will hate me.
My forecast is not completely bleak. The one thing I have to look forward to next year is being an RA in Converse and living only a 6 minute walk from my friends. While this prospect alone brings some modicum of joy to my mind, it can only alleviate my misery, rather than fix it. My sadness can not really be pitied though, because I've made my choices and come to an understanding of who I am. I'm not willing to change fundamental parts of myself just to appeal to other people. I'm usually willing to fix potential flaws, but the flaws that I have are not flaws with coping with life, they're flaws with being liked by people my age. I will not abandon my thought process or my logic and empathy just to be more appealing. Though I'm definitely a sanctimonious ass, I do not believe that I am entirely wrong on everything that I ever think. Surely I've had my own share of revelations and insights, and am entitled to thinking that I'm at least right on some things. Either way, the end result is the same: in the next few months, I will begin my lonely walk on the path of life.
I realize that for the most part, I only thought I had companions. I have friends, good friends too, but I won't pull them on to my path. They will follow their own, and for the most part, the ones they follow will probably be much more lucrative. And though I thought that my greatest friend might be more than a friend, the she might be able to accompany me, even if only for a short time. This was little more than an illusion; I'm not sure what really took place anymore, but she was never going to be huge part of my life. She didn't want to, and I can't really blame her. I'm not angry. We all make choices in our lives that seem most conducive to us achieving our desired end, and just because nobody's best choice will do anything more than intersect mine (as opposed to running along the same path or going parallel to it for a time) does not mean they're cruel or unfair.
My path will increasingly wonder through some forest; surrounded by life but still so far removed from any kind of communicable life. Though the world around me will be explosive with life constantly growing and being reborn, I will walk amid it all, ostracized because of my own weird flaws or traits. Ultimately, I cannot blame the forest just because I'm not a tree. If not being a part of that wonderful ecosystem means being isolated from the particular cycle of life, then so be it. I will have to accept this unfortunate possibility, and attempt to endure the depressed state of mind that will grow increasingly painful in the next few months.
With that, I say good night.
There is some kind of saying to the effect that if you expect the worst you will make the worst happen. Though it is definitely possible that moving through life with a negative mindset can increase the odds of unfortunate events, it is not always the case that a negative mindset leads to misfortune. The opposite of this is true too; having a positive outlook does not necessitate good fortune, because optimism can occasionally be met with misery. That said, though a realistic look at the events that may come in my future may put me at risk of increasing the odds of their being realized, however, they do not necessarily do so. Having a positive outlook now will probably not give me happiness in the face of sadness; recent events in my life have easily shown this to be the case.
I am more alone now than I ever have been before, and with each passing day, my isolation will only grow in its potency and presence. By the very nature of my personality I alienate myself from other people, discomforting them to the point where my presence is either unrealized, ignored, or worse, dreaded. Despite my acknowledgment of this trait, I cannot necessarily change my personality. Part of me feels isolated because of my thought process, and I'm not willing to give up my thought process. At the risk of being an arrogant and pretentious ass (those who know me well know that I'm probably an arrogant and pretentious ass no matter what), I will say with unusual confidence that I am very bright.
Some days I also feel too mature, and I have no idea why. I'm not one of those people who had any reason to mature early, as there was no great tragedy in my life. I grew up without a father until I was 8, but that wouldn't make me mature early. Besides, I had enough family attention prior to that point that there is no real issue there. Nothing else even seems to be a possible cause. I'm naturally able to look at things from other peoples' point of views (well, sometimes at least), and thus take positions on things that are not going to be agreed on by certain people. I know these are all arrogant assumptions, but they were what I intuitively feel, and if my intuition can't be trusted, then I don't really know what to trust anymore.
Either way, the path that I'm choosing for myself leads to one increasingly walked alone. My isolation has already begun mentally, and next year it will begin physically. Though I will live close to my friends who are living a short ways off-campus, with the shell I already live in my time spent with them is going to drop radically. While I currently eat virtually all of my meals with friends, this will rarely be the case next year. For a variety of dynamic reasons, next year will be a challenge for me. My risk of depression will be greater than ever, and with the looming possibility of one of my best of friends never really wanting to be true friends again, I have no reason to believe there will be a respite from this mess. Looking further into the future, if I do my job and achieve even a small number of my goals, I'm going to piss a lot of people off. It's quite possible and very probable that this trend of isolation will continue indefinitely, fueled by own personality and my own goals. If I make people think, they will hate me.
My forecast is not completely bleak. The one thing I have to look forward to next year is being an RA in Converse and living only a 6 minute walk from my friends. While this prospect alone brings some modicum of joy to my mind, it can only alleviate my misery, rather than fix it. My sadness can not really be pitied though, because I've made my choices and come to an understanding of who I am. I'm not willing to change fundamental parts of myself just to appeal to other people. I'm usually willing to fix potential flaws, but the flaws that I have are not flaws with coping with life, they're flaws with being liked by people my age. I will not abandon my thought process or my logic and empathy just to be more appealing. Though I'm definitely a sanctimonious ass, I do not believe that I am entirely wrong on everything that I ever think. Surely I've had my own share of revelations and insights, and am entitled to thinking that I'm at least right on some things. Either way, the end result is the same: in the next few months, I will begin my lonely walk on the path of life.
I realize that for the most part, I only thought I had companions. I have friends, good friends too, but I won't pull them on to my path. They will follow their own, and for the most part, the ones they follow will probably be much more lucrative. And though I thought that my greatest friend might be more than a friend, the she might be able to accompany me, even if only for a short time. This was little more than an illusion; I'm not sure what really took place anymore, but she was never going to be huge part of my life. She didn't want to, and I can't really blame her. I'm not angry. We all make choices in our lives that seem most conducive to us achieving our desired end, and just because nobody's best choice will do anything more than intersect mine (as opposed to running along the same path or going parallel to it for a time) does not mean they're cruel or unfair.
My path will increasingly wonder through some forest; surrounded by life but still so far removed from any kind of communicable life. Though the world around me will be explosive with life constantly growing and being reborn, I will walk amid it all, ostracized because of my own weird flaws or traits. Ultimately, I cannot blame the forest just because I'm not a tree. If not being a part of that wonderful ecosystem means being isolated from the particular cycle of life, then so be it. I will have to accept this unfortunate possibility, and attempt to endure the depressed state of mind that will grow increasingly painful in the next few months.
With that, I say good night.
posted by Andrew McKenna at 9:35 PM
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