Pain in Life
"Love hurts," is a long cliched phrase that passed ages ago into a phrase that people use in passing to describe one of the more negative mysteries and facts about love. It is true that love can hurt, but I think that the way in which this phrase is used is somewhat misunderstood. Love hurts so much sometimes not just because of how you can love someone and not have that returned, but because loving someone often creates painful contradictions for someone. To love is to give up all hate, and hatred is something that can sometimes come naturally for people (I don't mean true hatred, but I do mean a natural proclivity towards disliking or loathing somebody).
True love is being able to love someone despite and beyond their faults. It is knowing, recognizing, or having experienced the inherent flaws they have, and loving them nonetheless. Much of the time, these flaws go against the fundamental beliefs that a person can have, or the virtues by which they live. When one loves somebody despite these flaws, they burn with confusion over the inner contradictions this creates, even if they are not consciously aware of it. Moreover, you can often love someone more than the world, and they do not even know it or they do not share it.
It pains me, quite often I'm afraid, that I have no soulmate to give my love to. Moreover, I wish I could be someone of value to others. I cannot hate. I think it has moved beyond me at some point. This may be idealism, in fact, it probably is idealism. I cannot fathom that I am better than anyone else in the "not hating" department. Seriously though, I get too tired whenever I'm angry to even lay the foundations of hatred for something. I can say I hate something, but I can never truly feel it. The moment I begin to, I get too tired. In truth, it's better that way.
I'll admit to you that I value other people over me. I rarely have the heart to do something for myself over somebody else. Sure, every action I take in public is me asserting my survival over somebody else's, but I rarely consciously do that (or so I like to flatter myself into believing). It sounds beautiful to think that I am beyond hate. How could I know though? No one has ever done anything that bad to me. I've never had to endure anything that bad, and no one has ever committed a grievous crime against me, so it's likely that there has not yet been a real stimulus for me to hate.
I feel like I love everyone, in some way or another. Part of this feeling is definitely influenced by the Ender series, which has Ender suffering because, among other things, he loves too much. It sounds great to think that this is the case for me, but it probably is not. The things of literature sound romantic when applied to an individual's life, but they are often not the case. I can project the image of a character onto myself, and enjoy the idea, and not necessarily have it be true. But something about it seems so right to me though, and I am left confused.
I would love to give my love to the world. If I thought I could make the world a better place through some self-destructive act, then I would do it, or at least I'd like to think I would. Many people long for martyrdom and long to have the impact that Christ did. I would love to bear the burden of humanity's sins, or at least I love the idea of doing it. It is very sick in a way, but it feels right. I wish I could do something so positive for humanity, but I often feel like I'll be lucky if I manage to do something positive for at least one other human being. I'm too unfocused and self-centered to do much for others. I'm never in enough control of myself to do much, and my understanding is too weak. I do desperately want to do something for somebody. I want to love fully and unconditionally. I want to love so much it hurts. I'd love to have someone who at least enjoys my love, even if they can't return it. And sure, ideally, I'd love to have somebody who loves me just as much as I love them.
I just want to be able to openly love. I just want to stop bottling myself up, stop putting on a facade. I don't want to be so mysterious and seclusive so as to isolate myself. But wanting or not wanting these things is not enough to make it stop. I have to have the will to make it stop. And so far, I have not demonstrated the willpower to make it stop. And so it will never stop. I do desperately want it to though. At any rate, until I make things different, I do not deserve for them to be different. I can love all I want, but I cannot expect the world to change for me nor can I expect any improvement in the way of things. Hopefully, I will force myself to act on this knowledge soon, because the status quo is driving me insane. I hope you all have a good day.
True love is being able to love someone despite and beyond their faults. It is knowing, recognizing, or having experienced the inherent flaws they have, and loving them nonetheless. Much of the time, these flaws go against the fundamental beliefs that a person can have, or the virtues by which they live. When one loves somebody despite these flaws, they burn with confusion over the inner contradictions this creates, even if they are not consciously aware of it. Moreover, you can often love someone more than the world, and they do not even know it or they do not share it.
It pains me, quite often I'm afraid, that I have no soulmate to give my love to. Moreover, I wish I could be someone of value to others. I cannot hate. I think it has moved beyond me at some point. This may be idealism, in fact, it probably is idealism. I cannot fathom that I am better than anyone else in the "not hating" department. Seriously though, I get too tired whenever I'm angry to even lay the foundations of hatred for something. I can say I hate something, but I can never truly feel it. The moment I begin to, I get too tired. In truth, it's better that way.
I'll admit to you that I value other people over me. I rarely have the heart to do something for myself over somebody else. Sure, every action I take in public is me asserting my survival over somebody else's, but I rarely consciously do that (or so I like to flatter myself into believing). It sounds beautiful to think that I am beyond hate. How could I know though? No one has ever done anything that bad to me. I've never had to endure anything that bad, and no one has ever committed a grievous crime against me, so it's likely that there has not yet been a real stimulus for me to hate.
I feel like I love everyone, in some way or another. Part of this feeling is definitely influenced by the Ender series, which has Ender suffering because, among other things, he loves too much. It sounds great to think that this is the case for me, but it probably is not. The things of literature sound romantic when applied to an individual's life, but they are often not the case. I can project the image of a character onto myself, and enjoy the idea, and not necessarily have it be true. But something about it seems so right to me though, and I am left confused.
I would love to give my love to the world. If I thought I could make the world a better place through some self-destructive act, then I would do it, or at least I'd like to think I would. Many people long for martyrdom and long to have the impact that Christ did. I would love to bear the burden of humanity's sins, or at least I love the idea of doing it. It is very sick in a way, but it feels right. I wish I could do something so positive for humanity, but I often feel like I'll be lucky if I manage to do something positive for at least one other human being. I'm too unfocused and self-centered to do much for others. I'm never in enough control of myself to do much, and my understanding is too weak. I do desperately want to do something for somebody. I want to love fully and unconditionally. I want to love so much it hurts. I'd love to have someone who at least enjoys my love, even if they can't return it. And sure, ideally, I'd love to have somebody who loves me just as much as I love them.
I just want to be able to openly love. I just want to stop bottling myself up, stop putting on a facade. I don't want to be so mysterious and seclusive so as to isolate myself. But wanting or not wanting these things is not enough to make it stop. I have to have the will to make it stop. And so far, I have not demonstrated the willpower to make it stop. And so it will never stop. I do desperately want it to though. At any rate, until I make things different, I do not deserve for them to be different. I can love all I want, but I cannot expect the world to change for me nor can I expect any improvement in the way of things. Hopefully, I will force myself to act on this knowledge soon, because the status quo is driving me insane. I hope you all have a good day.
posted by Andrew McKenna at 10:38 PM
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