Ruthless Introspection
The world is awash in a cosmic twilight, and as I look up at the sky sometimes, I become quietly aware of beginning and the eventual end of our universe. Change is the only constant in our universe, and as paradoxical as that seems (for change implies chaos, and this does not imply consistency, however, change changes consistently), perceived change is the only thing guaranteed in reality. With every change that initiates a new beginning comes a change that shifts toward a perceived an end. In truth, there are no beginnings or ends, just change.
I'm sure I've probably written about this before, but it's an omnipresent and recurring theme in the background noise of my mind. Occasionally I have poignant reminders of this very basic truth, with recent events in my life serving to reinforce this simple fact. It's an unfortunate state of affairs sometimes, but it's life. Much of the pain I've felt in the last three to four months comes from my inability to change in a meaningful way relative to that of my peers. I've made great changes in the last 3 years, changes that have lead me to become absurdly introspective, sometimes to the point where I'm too self-aware to even function with a modicum of normality in my daily life.
My capacities for analysis are increasing day by day, and at the expense of sounding like an arrogant and pretentious prick, I do feel that occasionally, in leaps and bounds, my intelligence grows considerably. The unfortunate side effect of this is my inability to function socially. With as much plain honesty as I can possibly muster, this much I know about myself to be true: I am an extremely shy person, often to the point of exuding some kind of air of creepiness; I scare people and I know it. I'm put-offish because of my timidity, and my lack of initiation in starting conversations with people usually conveys the message that I'm unfriendly. In soothe, I am extremely friendly, open, and generally a very caring person, though it's obvious why my temerity is easily misconstrued. I do little to help others abolish these absurdities.
It's also worth mentioning that I am a rather boring person. Unless you're interested in the kind of stuff I talk about, which generally ranges from topics concerning philosophy and religion to whatever random thoughts that blossom in my mind, I am boring to the point of tears. Though my creativity borderlines greatness on occasion, I rarely succeed at transforming the progeny of my hyperactive imagination into a coherent and interesting sentence or conversation. If my writings are any good, then they are the only thing representative of this potentially brilliant facet of my mind, because everything else in my external presentation probably gives most the impression that I suffer from some kind of dysfunctional stupidity (perhaps I do; in this day and age, it's hard to ever really know).
Now for the ruthlessly critical but realistic assessment of me as an individual. I frequently feel like I ignore many of my pressing issues, using the occasional positive to help me ignore my problems. I used to feel bad about what happened between Faith and I, but I realized that it was probably allowing me to be too happy when there was much I should have been devoting more of my time to. Sure, I felt a genuine kind of love for the first time in my life, and it echoes with a quiet consonance in the back of my mind today, despite how far the thing has fallen. Last summer and this fall were a wonderful time for me. My mental equanimity and my emotional joy was at an all-time high, and though I suffered from some confusion for awhile around October, my general mood was one saturated with a quietly optimistic hope.
One of the greatest changes in my life hit me with the full force of a cosmic epiphany that leaves the mind castrated of rationale and composure. It was one of the most confusing times of my life, not to mention emotionally stressful in a way that has not yet been rivaled. Though the successive bouts with depression that I've had were probably started or caused at some deeper level by the events that resulted from the whole Faith incident, recent stem from deeper issues within the core of my being. The sadness that resulted from the whole mess with Faith is probably akin to a bug eating the leaves of a plant. The bug will cause significant problems if it eats the leaves more quickly than the plant can grow them. This is survivable though. If the sickness comes from within though, from the plant's locus of life, then the chances of enduring the sickness become more slim. With the mind and body as the two ultimately powerful forces that coalesce to form our being, it is clear that they claim dominion over our life force and therefore have the greatest influence over it.
My problems are my problems, and it's hard for me to say whether I actually deserve to move past them. Sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough to do good for others. I've had so much good in my life that I owe quite a bit back. Social ineptitude aside, I've never been remiss of anything (unless I chose to be lacking something). I can't really complain about my problems because any issues or flaws that I have are self-created and self-sustained. If I am to maintain at least a pretense of seriously analyzing the inner workings (or lack thereof) within my mind, then I must at least recognize that my problems were created by myself. Sometimes it hurts to make your ego endure the full force of something, but in reality, it's better to suffer what you cause and enjoy what should be enjoyed (sorry, I know some of these things aren't flowing very well anymore - I'm falling asleep but I want to finish this entry so I may drift off and take a brief respite from my thoughts and from reality).
Though certain external factors have obviously been the prevalent sources and stimuli for change in my life, it is obvious that meaning today comes more from my internal thoughts and sense of self rather than some collective consciousness of a denomination of people. I chose how I would react to those factors, despite my vague inklings of what they could make me. I should be realistic though; at the age of 14 I can scarcely have been expected to be able to rationalize and look this far ahead at myself. Now I look at myself years from now and already understand all too well the kind of person I will become. I won't discuss what I will become, because I'd prefer to keep from being too overly pessimistic, and ignorance of another person's crucial demands is just not right.
Life is dwindling to the quietude that pervades the silence that hangs in my room. I have become accustomed to the quiet, and for no particular utility either. The world is a crazy place, and I'd be foolish to imagine my role in it as being even as consequential as dog crap; in fact, depending on your choice of religion, human beings are but an insignificant ripple in the infinite ocean of eternity. Knowing this, it's hard to assign any special significance to my ego, because we are all part of the unceasing ebb and flow of some eternal tide, our deaths rendering us mere detritus afloat in the waters, recycled into something new. Deep down I feel a kind of love for myself, for my god-pattern, but as a human I'm a social creature. My ego is a dynamic thing that results from a composite of different things, both internal and external, and therefore my self-confidence and feelings of self-worth can never be wholly self-created and self-sustained.
Sooner or later I'm going to have to strengthen my sense of self-worth, but I can't do it alone. Hopefully, if there is anything of real merit in my mind and spirit, then I will shine enough to earn the respect and commendations of others. I don't need to receive the highest of accolades, just a little positive reinforcement every now and then. There is no hope though if I do not take action, for I must be the agent of change in my life (because I can no longer expect anyone else to catalyze the necessary changes in my life). If I have any greatness within me, then my time may come, but I will have to be willing to make the requisite actions. There can be no more waiting, no more expecting things to sort out. Life has waited long enough, and I can no longer wait and expect the universe to work out to my end. With all of this said and this especially lengthy blog entry concluded, have a good day.
I'm sure I've probably written about this before, but it's an omnipresent and recurring theme in the background noise of my mind. Occasionally I have poignant reminders of this very basic truth, with recent events in my life serving to reinforce this simple fact. It's an unfortunate state of affairs sometimes, but it's life. Much of the pain I've felt in the last three to four months comes from my inability to change in a meaningful way relative to that of my peers. I've made great changes in the last 3 years, changes that have lead me to become absurdly introspective, sometimes to the point where I'm too self-aware to even function with a modicum of normality in my daily life.
My capacities for analysis are increasing day by day, and at the expense of sounding like an arrogant and pretentious prick, I do feel that occasionally, in leaps and bounds, my intelligence grows considerably. The unfortunate side effect of this is my inability to function socially. With as much plain honesty as I can possibly muster, this much I know about myself to be true: I am an extremely shy person, often to the point of exuding some kind of air of creepiness; I scare people and I know it. I'm put-offish because of my timidity, and my lack of initiation in starting conversations with people usually conveys the message that I'm unfriendly. In soothe, I am extremely friendly, open, and generally a very caring person, though it's obvious why my temerity is easily misconstrued. I do little to help others abolish these absurdities.
It's also worth mentioning that I am a rather boring person. Unless you're interested in the kind of stuff I talk about, which generally ranges from topics concerning philosophy and religion to whatever random thoughts that blossom in my mind, I am boring to the point of tears. Though my creativity borderlines greatness on occasion, I rarely succeed at transforming the progeny of my hyperactive imagination into a coherent and interesting sentence or conversation. If my writings are any good, then they are the only thing representative of this potentially brilliant facet of my mind, because everything else in my external presentation probably gives most the impression that I suffer from some kind of dysfunctional stupidity (perhaps I do; in this day and age, it's hard to ever really know).
Now for the ruthlessly critical but realistic assessment of me as an individual. I frequently feel like I ignore many of my pressing issues, using the occasional positive to help me ignore my problems. I used to feel bad about what happened between Faith and I, but I realized that it was probably allowing me to be too happy when there was much I should have been devoting more of my time to. Sure, I felt a genuine kind of love for the first time in my life, and it echoes with a quiet consonance in the back of my mind today, despite how far the thing has fallen. Last summer and this fall were a wonderful time for me. My mental equanimity and my emotional joy was at an all-time high, and though I suffered from some confusion for awhile around October, my general mood was one saturated with a quietly optimistic hope.
One of the greatest changes in my life hit me with the full force of a cosmic epiphany that leaves the mind castrated of rationale and composure. It was one of the most confusing times of my life, not to mention emotionally stressful in a way that has not yet been rivaled. Though the successive bouts with depression that I've had were probably started or caused at some deeper level by the events that resulted from the whole Faith incident, recent stem from deeper issues within the core of my being. The sadness that resulted from the whole mess with Faith is probably akin to a bug eating the leaves of a plant. The bug will cause significant problems if it eats the leaves more quickly than the plant can grow them. This is survivable though. If the sickness comes from within though, from the plant's locus of life, then the chances of enduring the sickness become more slim. With the mind and body as the two ultimately powerful forces that coalesce to form our being, it is clear that they claim dominion over our life force and therefore have the greatest influence over it.
My problems are my problems, and it's hard for me to say whether I actually deserve to move past them. Sometimes I feel like I don't try hard enough to do good for others. I've had so much good in my life that I owe quite a bit back. Social ineptitude aside, I've never been remiss of anything (unless I chose to be lacking something). I can't really complain about my problems because any issues or flaws that I have are self-created and self-sustained. If I am to maintain at least a pretense of seriously analyzing the inner workings (or lack thereof) within my mind, then I must at least recognize that my problems were created by myself. Sometimes it hurts to make your ego endure the full force of something, but in reality, it's better to suffer what you cause and enjoy what should be enjoyed (sorry, I know some of these things aren't flowing very well anymore - I'm falling asleep but I want to finish this entry so I may drift off and take a brief respite from my thoughts and from reality).
Though certain external factors have obviously been the prevalent sources and stimuli for change in my life, it is obvious that meaning today comes more from my internal thoughts and sense of self rather than some collective consciousness of a denomination of people. I chose how I would react to those factors, despite my vague inklings of what they could make me. I should be realistic though; at the age of 14 I can scarcely have been expected to be able to rationalize and look this far ahead at myself. Now I look at myself years from now and already understand all too well the kind of person I will become. I won't discuss what I will become, because I'd prefer to keep from being too overly pessimistic, and ignorance of another person's crucial demands is just not right.
Life is dwindling to the quietude that pervades the silence that hangs in my room. I have become accustomed to the quiet, and for no particular utility either. The world is a crazy place, and I'd be foolish to imagine my role in it as being even as consequential as dog crap; in fact, depending on your choice of religion, human beings are but an insignificant ripple in the infinite ocean of eternity. Knowing this, it's hard to assign any special significance to my ego, because we are all part of the unceasing ebb and flow of some eternal tide, our deaths rendering us mere detritus afloat in the waters, recycled into something new. Deep down I feel a kind of love for myself, for my god-pattern, but as a human I'm a social creature. My ego is a dynamic thing that results from a composite of different things, both internal and external, and therefore my self-confidence and feelings of self-worth can never be wholly self-created and self-sustained.
Sooner or later I'm going to have to strengthen my sense of self-worth, but I can't do it alone. Hopefully, if there is anything of real merit in my mind and spirit, then I will shine enough to earn the respect and commendations of others. I don't need to receive the highest of accolades, just a little positive reinforcement every now and then. There is no hope though if I do not take action, for I must be the agent of change in my life (because I can no longer expect anyone else to catalyze the necessary changes in my life). If I have any greatness within me, then my time may come, but I will have to be willing to make the requisite actions. There can be no more waiting, no more expecting things to sort out. Life has waited long enough, and I can no longer wait and expect the universe to work out to my end. With all of this said and this especially lengthy blog entry concluded, have a good day.
posted by Andrew McKenna at 10:58 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home